Fear of Failure

Ah! I've been neglecting this blog lately! I guess sometimes life interferes. A lot has happened since my last post, mostly work things. I've had lab/GRE tunnel vision lately...super stressful! However, this afternoon I had an amazing essay writing session with a high school student, which put me back on track. She came in with no idea what she wanted to write and left with an entire rough draft. Working with her and unleashing our combined creativity was an awesome experience. It reminded me of how much I love students and teachers and why I want to help them as much as possible through my research.

I feel like I've been losing sight of my dreams lately. Not in the sense that I don't know what I want, but that I won't be able to execute my plans. At it's core, my problem is a basic fear of failure. In September I read this article in the NYT about how the American educational system fails to instill students with "character." I must say I agree. My fancy education has endowed me with an inflated ego, a sense of entitlement, and a fear of being...human. I've always considered myself very compassionate and percipient, both of which contribute immensely to my character...but I've found I lack the ability to fully accept and process failure (a crucial aspect of a well-rounded character). I make the grave mistake of taking failure as a form of rejection from the world around me. And I'm sick of it. 

I've had enough of this bullshit failure-will-define-you-and-ruin-your-future attitude that pervades society. I make mistakes. A lot of them. And I'm not about to stop. In fact, I just typed "define human" into a Google search. The synonyms: "person - individual - soul - mortal". Soul, mortal...they imply something outside of the realm of action and something inherently flawed. Proof:

I've realized that fearing failure is only holding me back. Rather than pushing myself towards innovation, I've settled into a banal comfort zone. This place is no fun. There's no room for personal growth. 

Where do I begin my journey towards acceptance? I've been inspired by a child. 

Every Tuesday night I mentor two 8 year old girls. One of them always has a ridiculous spelling assignment where she has to write out her words a million times. Whenever her hands get tired or she starts making too many mistakes, she stops and does what she calls "the crazy arm stretch hand dance." And boy, is it intense. Basically, she starts stretching like an Olympian and concludes with a few seconds of erratic finger movements....kind of like she's playing the piano...on crack. Her activities usually capture the attention of those around her, which might embarrass a less confident child...but not Jesy. Her philosophy, "I don't care if I look silly! It helps me finish my words and get a 100 in spelling!"

Now, excuse me while I go do the crazy arm stretch hand dance of life. You should try it.